From outward appearances, I am simply a middle aged white guy who blends easily into the larger society. However, like many gay men I don’t fully fit in. Although I have long been openly gay in both my personal and professional lives, there have been times when I have felt the loneliness that comes with being an outsider. Having spent a lifetime on both sides of the Atlantic, not being fully of one side or the other is akin to the feeling of being gay in a largely heterosexual world. However, out of this in-between kind of life I have come to love the richness of living at the edges of two worlds.
As gay men, we have unique perspectives on what it means to be a man, and ones that can be of value to straight men. This really hits home when I find myself talking to straight friends and colleagues about the power and beauty of male touch. Some have told me they wish they could push the boundaries of their own lives to include such things. When it comes to touch between men, we live in one impoverished touch starved society. Even at the clinical level, just think about the last time your doctor did the perfunctory examining of the boys and butt. Before the laying on of hands, there usually is a little apology – hell, I’d pay him extra if he would just say bend over and take it like a man. During my last prostate exam, I thought I would lighten things up by telling the doc that if he were up there any longer I’d need a cigarette – yes, you can see how NOT funny that one ended. Too bad because my doc is one of the boys, yes he’s gay! I only hope he had a good laugh later sharing my line with other docs.
As gay men, we are always looking for parallels that can shed some light on our situation. For a while, I have been curious about the berdache, or two-spirit people, often found in the first nations of North America. Evidently, they were recognized as being of two spirits, of an in-between kind of existence. If they had a special status, it did not always protect them from discrimination or harm. Nevertheless, they were often recognized as healers or people with magical powers. They sound strikingly similar to our contemporary gay world and to my own life between worlds.
When I think of being gay and of two spirit people, I realize how wonderful it is not to be completely of one world. Living between worlds has the advantage of giving us more space than others have – something to be grateful for and respectful of. Living in a touch starved society, we gay men have the privilege of being able to expand our touch consciousness to engage in deeply erotic friendships and relationships. We can follow our inner faeries to enter into the dance of eros. The taboos begin to melt away as we find others in tune with ourselves and the magic dance. Get into its rhythm with your partner, lose your clothes, forget what the neighbors think, and celebrate the fireworks that come from the magic of two flutes playing in unison.